


Moment(s).

by PrincessLeina



Series: SadGirls™ [2]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, F/F, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Kara is SuperSad, Mentions of Mon-El - Freeform, Self Confidence Issues, drunk!Kara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-29
Packaged: 2019-05-08 16:52:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14698374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrincessLeina/pseuds/PrincessLeina
Summary: Moment from Kara's perspective.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As usual, un beta-ed. Looking for one, as I'm continuing this and maybe probably writing a less depressing series. Hit me up on twitter @ninun

It’s already the seventh shot of Aldebaran rum and Kara still can’t get used to the burning sensation down her throat. Not that she felt any pain, she could hardly feel anything except a huge void in her chest. Kara knew human drink alcohol to forget their pain, but somehow this just reminded her of probably the biggest mistake she ever done.

 

Lena loved her whisky, no doubt about that. There’s a bottle of steadily decreasing expensive whisky on her office, a flask in her purse, and Rao knew how much she had in her apartment. The way she poured the liquid over sphere-shaped ice, twirling it mindlessly before taking a sip. How her heartbeat increased, temperature rising, and pale skin slowly turned pink. And Lena will start undid her hair, opened a few buttons of her blouse, and rant about her day to Kara. Her soft smiles, light touches and sleepy eyes.

 

Kara stood up and began refilling her mug. Shots seemed useless, so why not drink more? Another hour passed and she started feeling the buzz. Alex was still on DEO working overnight training the newbies but they both knew the truth; Alex couldn’t stand being in her apartment alone, not when Maggie used to be there, welcoming her home with some home-made cooking and beers in hands. Kara used to say that everything will be fine again, that Alex will overcome her sadness, and this came from someone who have lost her entire planet and civilization.

 

It happened too many times to call it a simple distraction. Alex with her work, and Kara with… whatever this was.

 

Her audio system was playing something, she wasn’t really paying attention. The sound haunting, echoed throughout the room, disconnecting her from the world outside. _Let me down the easy way._ Let me down the easy way, let me forget about you, Lena. She could feel the sound wave vibrating around her body, tugging and touching constantly. The eerie music fit her hearing senses perfectly, just like Lena’s voice.

 

The first time Kara heard her, it was the erratic heartbeat and blood streaming in her veins. She expected that from a Luthor meeting a Kent, especially when that Kent was the one responsible for her brother being in prison. But when Lena spoke… Rao when Lena spoke, Kara couldn’t care less about her surrounding. The way her voice resonance in her mouth, how her low and steady timbre won’t betray the nerve she’s having. How she said Kara’s name like it meant something more than a name. How every word encouraged her but also hid a certain shyness inside. How it was so strong, yet fragile at the same time.

 

And her crying voice.

The one that Kara caused.

Kara was always the cause.

 

When someone or something beat her up, or when she lost consciousness for a few days, or when she helped Barry on another earths, Lena was the one who cried the loudest. Not with deafening wails, but with silent sobs. Like crickets in a meadow on a silent night, it’s there, but not really there. And it’s killing Kara more than anything else.

 

To be the cause of someone’s pain. Someone who carry the sins of her whole family alone. Someone who faced the world who hated her so much with a smile. Someone who had such a big and beautiful heart, so magnificent that Kara felt unworthy to be on the receiving end of it. Someone who was too good to be true, yet there she was.

 

When Kara told her that she wanted out, ended the relationship for good, Lena was speechless. Her heartbeat drumming with a rhythm Kara knew best. Her eyes hollow and expressionless.

 

_“I can’t be the reason of your stress anymore, Lena. You deserve someone better than me. You need someone who can ease your stress, not causing them. I..I can’t be that person. Not with the way I live. I really think you will be better off without me.”_

_Lena just sat there, unmoving, with unreadable face. Kara was sure her face was drowning in tears already and people were staring at her but Lena is still unmoving, like a marble statue in a Burberry coat under dim lights._

_“Lena please say something.”_

_“Give me two double shots of your strongest scotch, neat, now.” Lena spoke to the bartender, eyes never leaving Kara’s_

_“Lena, I… I’m sorry. I really am, I don’t—“_

_“So you’ll just walk away, give up like everyone else? That’s grand, Kara.”_

_“No! I’m not walking away, I’ll always be here. It’s just—“_

_Her drinks came, and she gulped one of them in a second._

_“It’s just I’m not worth fighting for, these whole time was a waste of time, you finally realized that a Super can’t be with a lowly Luthor, I’m too much for you to handle. Is it any of that, or let me guess. It’s all of the above. Yay.” She sipped her second glass before throwing the rest into Kara’s face._

_“Fuck you and your righteousness. I hope you live well, fucking stronger together my ass.”_

_And with that Kara knew she killed the last string of happiness she’ll ever have._

 

Each drink burned down her throat adding to the sizzle of need at the base of her stomach. She blamed the heat mixed with the alcohol for the dull ache. It made her mind fuzzy, got her drunk on the lovey delusions that the lights created.

 

The first time Lena opened up about her feelings to Kara, it was on the end of September. Cool air of autumn blew outside Lena’s expensive condo, with hot cocoa in both of their hands. Kara remembered how the music from this musician called Balam Acab fit the moment perfectly.

 

_“Do you know my summer house by the sea near the cliffs? I love it there. The small space with huge windows that lead to the sea. I often spend so many time looking out there, wondering if there anyone out there will care if I just pack my bag and disappear completely. Sure, one or two will notice, but no one would really care, you know?”_

_Kara listened carefully, threading fingers slowly into Lena’s hand, like she made of glass. It’s a rare occasion to hear her girlfriend telling her feeling out of the blue, so she intended to do whatever it took to made her felt safe._

_“I was lonely. And felt useless and drained and wondering my purpose in life was. But then you came, a ray of sunshine rising from the horizon. I didn’t know I was able to be loved and here we are. I just want you to know that I love you, like…”_

_Lena looked at their intertwined fingers, lifted them up and kissed Kara’s hand._

_“Like the sea embracing the cliff. It does so without hesitation, without realizing that it would break itself but it kept on going, diving head first every time. You’re my rock, Kara, with all that solid abs and biceps, the best thing that ever happened to me. And I will be the sea, gravitating towards you, crushing myself over and over again.”_

 

Kara gripped her mug a little too tight and it broke to pieces. At times like this she wished she was human, so the broken glass could actually hurt her and she would forget about the pain in her heart but hey, one can only wish.

 

The fourth bottle of the rum was almost empty when she recalled what Mon-El said when she wanted to go on with this whole Supergirl debacle.

_Don’t fuck up your pretty face, that’s the only thing you_ _’re worth of._

Everything was getting blurred, she was alone and lonely, and the heartache was getting worse. She hurt someone who mattered the most to her, and maybe, just maybe, Kara will keep punishing herself like this.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was supposed to update this on the 28th but my laptop got knocked off course and entered the phantom zone. I made this from scratch on my phone and I hope I will be forgiven for all the errors I made.

Morning came and her head wasn’t in the right place. She heard colours emitting from window, seeing sirens blaring, and smelling bagels.

 

“You look like trash, smell like shit, and this place is garbage.” Alex sat on the sofa with bagels on one hand and remote on the other. “I already told James you’re sick enough to not come in, and the DEO is capable enough to handle petty aliens.”

 

The sun was already bright, shining outside her large windows. Kara felt her head pounding hard, the memories from last night came crashing. Empty bottles were everywhere, silent witness of her breakdown. At that time, Kara hated herself for being invulnerable to sharp objects. She tried slicing her arms and chest with broken bottles but the glass turned to dust. She wanted to fell pain. Physical pain. Anything but this hurtful feeling in her chest, piercing slowly like being choked with a glass yarn.

 

“I’m here to make sure you eat food, because no matter what, I’m still your sister and I really do care about you, even if I didn’t act like it recently.” Alex looked at her with that indescribable look, ranging from pity, love, questioning. But mostly pity, and Kara hated it.

 

“Thanks.” Is all Kara managed to say. Her voice hoarse, but talking was not in her to-do list today, neither with communicating with people.

 

“I left mom’s lasagna in the fridge and milk, you really need to drink that to ease the headache.” Alex stood up, contemplating to walk and hug her hurting sister or walk out the door and let Kara be aone with her heartbreak.

 

“Okay.”

 

“Kara… I’m here, you know, if you wanna talk, or hear me talking, or just need the company. Just, call me?”

 

“Sure.”

 

And with that Alex left her apartment and she’s all alone again.

 

Alone.

 

Funny how she hated being alone but crave it right now. She could only hurt the people she cared about. She’s nothing but a bad omen. _Beacon of hope? Pfft, I’m a bad karma._ First her family and her entire race and planet got wiped out. Then she came to earth and got adopted by the Danvers, and Jeremiah got kidnapped. Then Eliza had to endure her growing up while mourning the lost of her husband. Alex had to bury her dreams of being a surgeon and work for the DEO just to protect her. Wynn and James got dragged into this whole mess too. She could understand why Kal-El chose to abandon her, she would abandon herself too.

 

And then came Lena. Daughter of Lionel Luthor and she had to see her half-brother went crazy, her mother figure hated her existence and the world judged her for her last name. Kara came and it went worse from there. She gave nothing for the younger girl but worry and more anxiety. She received more death threats from aliens and human when she publicly announced dating Kara and supported Supergirl.

 

Kara couldn’t risk it. Not when she knew Lena would be better off without her. She’s young, smart, beautiful, and successful. She could have the world in her palm and Kara won’t be the reason she hold everything back. So she ended it, even though she knew Lena would hurt in the process, but she’s stronger than Kara in this matter. So much stronger, and Kara had faith.

 

She rose from her bed, headache a little better thanks to the sunlight, felling a little numb and still dazed, cleaning out the bottles. There were 10 bottles total, and 2 broken ones. She’s a wreck, and now there’s this bubbling anger rose in her chest.

 

Why can’t she be normal? Just a regular human being with the capability of loving someone and being equally loved? Why can’t she be strong enough to help Lena carry the world on her shoulder? Why can’t she?

 

Kara took her phone and called Alex, “Hi, there’s an alien went berserk and a bank robbery, I’m on them.”

 

Days went by with Supergirl clearing out every crime, National City’s crime rate went down by 15%. She patrolled day and night, no time for resting. Even when there’re no crime, she flew to Metropolis or Gotham to help out. Kara was on the rage, and Alex was on the edge.

 

One night, Alex managed to catch Kara in her apartment, cleaning out the soot after Supergirl put down a burning chemical lab in Gotham.

 

“This isn’t healty, Kara. You don’t sleep, you barely eating, and you don’t take care of yourself.”

 

Kara was back on her suit, and there were still burn marks on them. She looked at her sister, her eyebags were more visible and she can sense Alex’s tiredness. She loved Alex, and seeing her like this hurt even more.

 

“I know, Alex. But what do you want me to do? Just sit around and wallow? I need to let out my anger and help me Rao don’t let me vent this on you.” Her voice went a little higher than she expected and Alex was taken aback.

 

“Talk to me, Kar. It’s been weeks and we barely see each other. I’ve been there in your position, you know that. And if you don’t wanna talk, we can do something together. Or not. Jeez, I don’t know, I love my little sister but I can’t lose you like this.” Alex’s voice were shaking and her heartbeat rising, and it triggered something in Kara.

 

And she fell.

 

Supergirl, in her red and blue regalia, fell down in front of her adoptive sister, crying.

 

“I can’t Alex. I just love her so much but I can’t stand seeing her hurt. Eliza lost a husband and you lost a father because of me. My friends lost their normal life because of me. It happened too many times and I can’t let that happen to her too. Call me selfish but, I just CAN’T.”

 

“I wish I was normal, so that Jeremiah would still be here and Eliza still have someone to try her pasta everyday, and you have a father and be a surgeon you’ll always wanted to. And Wynn and James can life their normal life too. And none of this would happen.”

 

Alex sat down beside her, she didn’t touch Kara but her presence is enough.

 

“All I can do is fight, Al. I don’t know what else to do. I wish I know what to do.” Kara let herself in Alex’s embrace, tears streaming down and she wailed. They sat down like that for what it’s like to be forever, with Alex hugging Kara while crying silently, felling her pain all over again. She never thought that beneath Kara’s cheerful façade, there are endless doubts and regrets. There are anxieties. And she could do nothing but be a steady ear to listen.

 

 

And then there are news everywhere that Supergirl went missing. Days turned into weeks then months. No one knew where’s their beacon of light went. Kara hid somewhere in Midvale, in a summer house built with lead that she owned under a fake name. She left her phone and laptop behind, not wanting to know anything in the real world. _What is real anymore._ Kara couldn’t feel anything, everything was numb. She woke up, make breakfast only to be forgotten, watch the sun rise and fall, then went back to sleep. The cycle went on and on until one day there’s a knock on her door. It was Alex.

 

She was a lot skinnier than before, Her face got more wrinkle than Kara remembered. Her hair was now longer and a little unkempt. And Kara felt Alex hug her and punching her back with all her might, but Kara couldn’t feel anything. She just stood there, if front of her open door, rock solid against a crying Alex.

 

“I was worried sick you dumbass. You just disappear after breaking down and I felt my world crashing down. Kara how dare you…”

 

Alex cried and cried, and Kara standing still like a mannequin.

 

“You were gone for months, Kar!” _It didn’t feel like it._

“We were all worried sick.” _Worry?_

“I was looking everywhere for you!” _I was looking for myself too._

 

The two sisters sat in the living room, where Kara used to sleep and eat. Barely eating, more sleeping.

 

“Come home, please. We missed you. Mom missed you. I fucking miss you.”

_How did it come to this?_

_I’m a mess._

“You were, but we can go to through this together. You have me, You’ll always have me, as I have you.”

 

Alex was so small, so fragile, and Kara was too. She didn’t realize it until now.

 

“Please come back, Kar. We all need you. We need our Kara back.”

 

The sun was setting, and the wind blowing. It was the end of autumn and cold started to creep into the house. Kara never bother to care because she couldn’t feel the cold. She still couldn’t feel anything. But Alex’s shivering body made her realize that she still have other people around her. People that care for her and maybe, she could care for them too. Eventually. Gradually.

 

“Okay. But, just…” The words hung like stars in the night sky. It’s there but you can’t reach them.

 

“We’ll figure things out together, Kar. Just like you say, stronger together.”

  _Stronger together. El Mayarah. Another empty promise._

 

“El Mayarah.” Kara voiced out. 

 

Having her soul ripped out wasn’t easy, especially when she rip it out herself. The wound healed, but it left a huge scar. Kara was ready to move on, she have to. For the people around her. The acceptance wasn’t there yet, but she hoped it will come soon.

 

 


End file.
